Being Mamma Bear

I was the fifth girl among my friends to have a baby, so I saw firsthand how social behaviour changed once my friends became parents. And then there were other people I knew, whose behaviour I observed. There was a pattern, clearly. Of course, I knew people wouldn’t be as ‘available’ as they were before, but when every single time we had plans and they had to cancel because there was an ‘emergency’ and it was always baby-related, I started to wonder if it were really true. I mean, your baby cannot fall sick EVERY TIME, right? It was either the most horrible coincidence ever, or… people were using their babies as an excuse because they were probably too chicken to say “no” to something in the first place.

How convenient it must be to have a baby, I thought. One can get out of anything citing their baby or baby’s problems as the reason. I can’t wait to have a baby!

And now that I have a baby, here are 101 excuses I can make, a.k.a. a Lazy-ass parent’s guide to how they can stay home and be as antisocial as they want to be and therefore, happy. 😇

Most of these are genuine; I swear. And I hope to use some of them when the time comes.

1. She’s not feeling well. I can’t make it. It’s a classic. I haven’t had to use it even once until now.
2. My baby’s too young; I can’t be out for so long.
3. Oh, lunch at 1? It’s her nap time. Sorry, I can’t make it.
4. Hey! I know I was supposed to be there at 9 AM, but last night madam was awake until 5 AM. I just CAN-NOT drag myself out of bed. Has happened sooooo many times.
5. I’m sorry she has decided that THIS is when she wants me to hold her. I’ll have to call you back.
6. Coffee at 6? She was supposed to nap around 1, but it’s 4 and she’s still awake. I’m not sure if I can make it.
7. Oh, at your house? Well, she’s in this phase where she’s throwing everything on the floor. I don’t want your stuff to break. So, I’ll skip it this time.
8. Oh, at a restaurant? Do they have a high chair?
9. Not today, yaar. She’s teething and very, very clingy.
10. Oh no! She pooped 3 times in 2 hours and I totally forgot I had to call you back.
11. No, I haven’t seen my email because I’m hiding the phone from my baby.
12. Dinner? Her bedtime is 8:30 and she’ll be super cranky if we’re out that time. *bab stays happily awake till midnight.*
13. Sorry, my phone was on silent. Just saw that you had called. 5 hours later.
14. Hey, just saw your message! What’s up? 3 months, 4 weeks, and 5 days later.
15. I’m sorry, I forgot. I’m so sleep deprived I have NO IDEA what I’m doing with my life. I think I’ll have cake.
16. I’m sorry I’m a little hyperactive today. I’ve had 3 cups of coffee already.
17. I’m sorry I’m in a mood; my hormones are just ALL over the place.
18. I’m sorry I forgot to call/text back. #mombrains.
19. I have no idea if I’ll be free that time. She’s going through sleep regression, again, and her schedule is all over the place.
20. What were you saying? Laddoo was up to something cute again, and it was soo…..
21. Can’t do weekends. That’s the only time the husband is home and I can take a little break.
22. I can’t, I haven’t slept AT ALL last night.
23. 4 PM? That’s when she poops. BIG TIME! Will have to skip it, sorry!
24. I can’t do Mondays – she has daddy withdrawal and it’s the worst.
25. She only wants to nurse today.
26. Hey, I was about to leave but she just fell asleep and I don’t want to disturb her.
27. I can’t. I have nothing to wear. I haven’t done laundry in almost a week. Has happened so many times
28. Can’t do weekdays. I’m all alone with the baby.
29. I can’t start my laptop now. She will pounce on it. #Truestory.
30. She won’t let go of her father.
31. Meet you for breakfast, LOL! Don’t count on it.
32. It’s so hot; she gets so cranky in this weather. Next time?
33. Oh that was today?? I totally forgot! #mombrains.
34. Brunch at 11:30? That’s the time for her first nap. Can we make it lunch at 1:30 PM?
35. At 1:30 – she’s just fallen asleep.
36. Can’t do Tuesdays. We celebrate Tearful Tuesdays. Maybe some other time.
37. 3 hours in a car! NO WAY!
38. Laundry day today. Need to wash and dry THREE loads. Tomorrow?
39. I thought I called you! If it wasn’t you then whom did I talk to about….?
40. Oh no! She just tripped, let me call you back. *forgets for 45 days*
41. I can’t, I haven’t slept the whole of last week.
42. I can’t work on my phone. She’s awake now and will scream.
43. Can’t hear you. She dropped my phone and the speaker broke. Never happened, thank God!
44. Wednesday sounds perfect. Wait, what date is that? Shoot! Vaccinations!
45. Hey, I was about to leave and she just woke up and now needs a meal, an outfit change, and possibly 3 more naps.
46. She has been sleeping a lot today.
47. Blocked you? Must’ve been the baby. (Has never happened, I swear. But if it does…)
48. I don’t know where it is. I had hidden it from Laddoo and now I forgot where I kept it. But hey, at least Laddoo won’t be able to get her hands on it/destroy it, right?
49. She just wants to cuddle today. Poor baby.
50. Sandeep was supposed to be here by now. I can’t leave yet.
51. Thursday? Well she’s fine most of the time except when it’s something ‘o clock.
52. She’s being a fussy eater today.
53. I didn’t cook anything today because our daughter didn’t let me out of her sight.
54. OMG, these rains! No way am I stepping out with a baby!
55. Not this week. She’s screaming at all things yellow, and your house has (a) yellow ____.
56. I can’t, I barely slept in the last month.
57. She hasn’t slept all day.
58. I didn’t cook today because Laddoo didn’t need food. She nursed all day. You may order something for us.
59. Friday? Ever heard of weekend blues? Yeah. My baby’s got ‘em.
60. Oh it’s just been a I-want-to-cry-for-no-reason kinda day. There are a 101 reasonswhy she could be crying, you know!
61. *on the phone* Hey, sorry, didn’t see your message. My screen has cracked, can’t see anything. What did you write? Again, this has never happened, thankfully!
62. Hey, I was about to leave and she started screaming. I think I’m going to stay in today.
63. She’s just in a mood to stay indoors today. She is not. I am. All day. Every day.
64. She hasn’t pooped in 3 days. I have a feeling she’s going to go today and it’s going to be a big one, so I think I’ll stay home. It’s just easier to clean!
65. Saturday? I’m just exhausted from dealing with her alone the entire week!
66. I can’t, I’ve barely slept in the past year.
67. Sorry, I missed your call. I haven’t heard my phone ring in over a year. It’s perpetually on silent.
68. I’m sorry I totally forgot your birthday/anniversary. I have no idea what day it is! True story on most days!
69. Unfollowed you? How is that poss…. wait! I know! It must’ve been Laddoo!
70. Movie? With a baby? You have GOT to be kidding me!
71. I haven’t had a bath in 2 days. Answering phone calls isn’t on top of my to-do list right now.
72. It’s too cold, yaar. Yes, by Mumbai standards only, but I can’t step out with her.
73. You sent me a whatsapp? I have 1,285,261 unread messages from 23,430 chats. If it’s urgent please call.
74. She hasn’t eaten anything today!
75. Her dad’s home and we want her to nap. She doesn’t. Go figure.
76. I didn’t send that message. So what if it makes perfect sense? Ever heard of predictive text?
77. I didn’t make sense because I haven’t had my coffee yet.
78. I can’t find my one good (non-nursing) bra; how do you expect me to find where that recipe came from.
79. I would love to but she spit up on the one good outfit I had and the nothing else fits/is clean.
80. I didn’t cook today because our daughter was determined to bring the house down and I was busy saving it!
81. I can’t bring her to a work meeting. She won’t let me work.
82. She’s screaming in elevators these days and you’re on the 14^th floor. Sorry. Maybe a few months/years later?
83. I can’t bring her there; she doesn’t like the smell or something.
84. Of course, I get the reference. All I do is watch TV all day. It’s a reference from Peppa, right?
85. Some relatives are coming to see the baby, can’t step out. Has happened 3 times in 12 months.
86. I am in disaster management mode. My maid hasn’t shown up in 2 days. Can we do this next year?
87. Can she run around there? No? Sorry, can’t do.
88. She won’t let go of me.
89. I’m sorry there’s so much noise in the background. Laddoo’s crying. Can we talk later?
90. I’m sorry I’m in a mood. The baby’s giving me too much attitude.
91. I said what??? Well, obviously I didn’t mean it. Sleep deprivation, mommy hormones, you know.
92. Can’t take her to a place where everyone’s eating. She won’t let us eat.
93. Oh that place? Too crowded for a baby!
94. I have to finish writing this blog post. And Laddoo is hung on my back. And then I have to cook.
95. Yes, I’m leaving in 10. What? I was supposed to be there an hour ago? Next time, I guess.
96. I didn’t cook today because she nursed for 2 hours straight!
97. I’m sorry there’s so much noise in the background. No, it’s not Laddoo’s cries. That’s Opeth playing. Laddoo is in the mood for heavy metal. Can we talk later?
98. I’d love to but your *insert pet* scares her. Maybe when she’s older. (Like 18 or 20)
99. Can she run around there? Yes? But what if she hurts herself?
100. I can’t adult today. Too much baby.
101. I just don’t want to.  🤷
     

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To read all posts in the 101 Series, click here.

I am taking part in The Write Tribe Problogger October 2017 Blogging Challenge.